..Feeling ethereal..

Just a quickie..

2007-07-26T00:32:00.000+02:00

I feel like defeat..

Ethereal engine test (1)

2007-04-16T20:44:00.000+02:00

Now for some proof. :)

This obviously ain't much, but is something that I've been missing for ages. There are lots of features to be implemented in the future [e.g. when they turn out to be necessary ;) ].

The most important thing is that the most difficult part of the whole GUI system for all my future projects is finally finished - meaning, that:

- All the elements can be prerendered and used later on, as well as rendered on a frame-regular basis.

- All the elements can be dynamically created/removed, and so do all the windows.

- The whole system is quite configurable.

- It's quite fast and reliable, too. Don't worry about the fps counter on the upper right - the toruses are generated with very high precision, and a simple depth texture rendering swallows 20 FPS on my gf6600. I needed them to be very detailed, when I was working on framebuffer objects support, and later forgot to decrease their level of detail :)

No memory leaks have been introduced so far :)

[Btw. Sorry for gay coder colours :)]

..slowly..

2007-03-12T00:14:00.000+01:00

..progressing with Ethereal project. Yeah, I finally got back to it after the finals :) . In about 1-2 months I should start putting up some clips on youtube.

..one of these chaotic 1AM posts..

2007-02-14T00:24:00.000+01:00

I can sense mental deterioration, lurking very deep inside of me. It's a funny feeling when everything you can do about such a state is to name all the things and people who you are sure have nothing to do with the whole problem. Still, if somebody notices something and asks you: what's going on? what's the matter? you blindly look in the person's eyes , searching for the answer, and then all that is left to do is to to put your head down.

The answer is relatively simple: there are no answers. It could be everything, starting from irrational things like politics, social tendencies, irresistible winter cold, ending at spiritual imbalance, unexplainable mood fluctuations.

Or maybe it is religion? War in Iraq, muslims, Islam, the whole thing happening at the moment? Polish government semi-standards?

Fuck that. At least I've got a cute, smart girlfriend. :) ..I shouldn't care so much about the further world that doesn't give a shit about single units..

My biggest fear is that this is not my kind of devil, because there can't be no devil if there is no God, and if there were any God, it would never allow such suffering. I see people ground up in the gears of this anarchy, I see people in anguish. I've come to believe that we are living in a great void. On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

jest (II)

2007-01-17T21:20:00.000+01:00

jest parę przedmiotów z prostą geometrią
landszaftów na scianach drzwi ram póz stelaży
i jest zapis skóry w wypukłych sylabach
jak pędzlem zebranych w sieć rzeczną kaptaży

jest zwłaszcza krążenie malarskiego pędzla
powiedzmy z sobola powiedzmy wilgotne
zdjęte z Leonarda trójkątów lub koła
o promil za gęste o ciało za jasne

więc jestes ty we mnie gotowej jak obraz
więc jak białe wino w oddech się rozpadam
jak by tylko mocniej odcisnąć się w tobie -
więc wypij mnie odcedź zwięzłym ruchem zamknij

Joanna Wojdowicz.

Heroin, heroin ..

2006-12-29T18:01:00.000+01:00

Jeszcze nigdy nie zamknęli mnie za hasz, wielu gnoi za to próbowało mnie posyłać na terapie. Bez skutku. Takie terapie są gówno warte; czasem nawet myślę, że już prędzej dałbym się zajebać bandzie dresów, niż wpędzić się w rehabilitację. Taka rehabilitacja to rezygnacja z samego siebie.

Kierowano mnie do wielu specjalistów. Niektórzy z nich zajmowali się psychiatrią, niektórzy psychologią kliniczną, a jeszcze inni działali z czysto społecznych pobudek. Doktor Forbes, na ten przykład, który chyba do tej pory nawet jest psychiatrą, posługiwał się dość sztywnymi technikami psychologicznymi, opierającymi się głównie na zasadach Freudowskiej psychoanalizy. Moim zadaniem było więc opowiedzieć o swojej przeszłości, skupiając sie przy tym na wszelakich nierozwiązanych konfliktach z dzieciństwa. Doktorek zakładał pewnie, że identyfikacja tych problemów i ich rozwiązanie pozwoli mi pokonać wewnętrzną złość, która skłania mnie do zachowywania się przeciwko samemu sobie. Czyli na przyklad do brania twardych narkotyków.

Typowa rozmowa wyglądała więc tak:

Doktor Forbes: Wspominałeś o swoim bracie, który był, jakby to ująć.. który był inwalidą. O tym, który umarł. Możemy o nim porozmawiać?

(pauza)

Ja: Po co?

(pauza)

Doktor Forbes: Nie masz ochoty porozmawiać na temat własnego brata?

Ja: Nie o to chodzi. Po prostu nie widzę żadnego powiązania między nim a moimi problemami z heroiną.

Doktor Forbes: Wygląda na to, że zacząłeś cpać mniej więcej w okresie, gdy zmarł twój brat.

Ja: Wtedy zdarzyło się jeszcze wiele innych rzeczy. Nie widzę większego sensu w ograniczaniu się tylko i wyłącznie do tamtego zdarzenia. Mniej więcej w tym samym czasie wyjechałem do Aberdeen, na uniwersytet. Nie znosiłem tego miejsca. Chyba wtedy zaczęły się jazdy z promem do Holandii. Miałem dostęp do praktycznie kazdego towaru.

(pauza)

Doktor Forbes: Chętnie bym wrócił do Aberdeen. Powiedziałeś, że nie znosiłeś Aberdeen, prawda?

Ja: Ta.

Doktor Forbes: Czego tak bardzo nie lubiłeś w uczelni ?

Ja: Samego uniwersytetu. Personelu, studentów, wszystkiego, no. Miałem wrażenie, że są typowymi nowobogackimi snobami.

Doktor Forbes: Rozumiem. Nie potrafiłeś nawiązać kontaktu z tamtymi ludźmi.

Ja: Nie tyle, co nie potrafiłem, ile nie chciałem. Chociaż odnoszę wrażenie, że dla pana to to samo. (obojętne wzruszenie ramionami) . . . Nic mnie te chuje nie obchodziły

(pauza)

To znaczy, naprawdę nie widziałem w tym żadnego sensu. I tak wiedziałem, że długo tam nie zagrzeję. Jeśli miałem ochotę się wygadać, to szedłem do pubu. Jeśli miałem ochotę zamoczyć, chodziłem na kurwy.

Doktor Forbes: Korzystałeś z usług prostytutek?

Ja: Ta.

Doktor Forbes: Czy działo się tak dlatego, ponieważ brakowało ci pewności siebie w nawiązywaniu kontaktu z kobietami na uniwersytecie w celach zarówno czysto społecznych, jak i tych ściśle ukierunkowanych na seks ?

(pauza)

Ja: E tam, spotykałem się z paroma laskami.

Doktor Forbes: Więc w czym tkwił problem ?

Ja: Interesował mnie sam seks, a nie związki. Tak prawdę mówiąc, to nie chciało mi się nawet tego przed nimi ukrywać. Postrzegałem te kobiety tylko i wyłącznie jako przedmioty, które miały służyć zaspokajaniu moich potrzeb. W pewnym momencie zdecydowałem, że uczciwiej będzie po prostu iść do łóżka z prostytutką, niż kogokolwiek oszukiwać. Widzisz, kiedyś jeszcze miałem jakieś zasady. Wydawałem stypendium na kurwy, a same książki i jedzenie podpierdalałem. To chyba wtedy zaczęły się te historie z okradaniem witryn. Nie chodziło jeszcze o hasz, chociaż on na pewno mi nie pomagał.

Doktor Forbes: Mmmm. Powróćmy do tematu twojego brata, tego, który zmarł. Co o nim myślałeś ?

Ja: Sam nie wiem . . . słuchaj, gość w ogóle nie kontaktował. Był gdzie indziej, całkowicie sparaliżowany. Cały czas siedział w tym swoim przeklętym wózku z głową odwroconą w którąś ze stron. Jedyne co potrafił jeszcze zrobić to mrugnąć okiem, czy coś przełknąć. Czasem wydawał z siebie dziwne pomruki . . . Był bardziej przedmiotem, niż żywą osobą.

(pauza)

Kiedyś, jak byłem młodszy, to chyba było mi go szkoda. Wiesz, mama czasem brała go na dwór w tym, kurwa, całym wózku. To wielkie, przerośnięte coś w pierdolonym wózku, czaisz? Dzieciaki z ośki miały przez to nieziemski ubaw ze mnie i z mojego drugiego brata. Mówiły: 'Wasz brat to ciota', albo 'Wasz brat to zombie' i takie tam. Ja wiem, byliśmy wtedy tylko gnojkami, ale ja to wtedy odbierałem zupełnie inaczej. A jakoże za młodu byłem jeszcze wysoki i nieproporcjonalnie zbudowany, to w pewnym momencie zacząłem myśleć, że i ze mną jest coś nie tak. Że byłem trochę jak Davie . . .

(długa pauza)

Doktor Forbes: Więc było ci przykro z powodu twojego brata.

Ja: Kiedy byłem dzieciakiem, gnojkiem, to tak. Potem Davie pojechał do szpitala. Chyba wtedy cały problem zaczął powoli usuwać się w cień. Wiesz, zniknął mi z oczu, już o nim tyle nie myślałem. Odwiedziłem go parę razy, ale nie widziałem w tym jakiegokolwiek sensu. Było z nim zero kontaktu, rozumiesz? Traktowałem jego chorobę jak jakieś koszmarne życiowe zawirowanie. "Pan Davie wylosował najgorszą kartę". Cholernie przykra sprawa, ale człowiek nie może się z tym potem pogodzić do końca swoich dni. Szpital był jednak dla niego najlepszym miejscem, dobrze się tam nim opiekowali. Kiedy zmarł, dopadło mnie potworne poczucie winy, że zawaliłem, że może powinienem był zrobić coś więcej. No ale co można było jeszcze zrobić?

(pauza)

Doktor Forbes: Czy kiedykolwiek wcześniej komuś o tej sprawie mówiłeś?

Ja: Nie . . . no, może wspominałem coś tam mamie i tacie . . . . . . . Mniej więcej tak to wyglądało. Wyszło ze mnie wtedy sporo rzeczy; niektóre były trywialne, niektóre cięzkie, niektóre z kolei nudne, a jeszcze inne wręcz odwrotnie - nawet interesujące. Czasem mówiłem prawdę, a czasem kłamałem. Kiedy zmyślałem, zdarzało mi się mówić rzeczy, które wydawało mi się, że Forbes chciał usłyszeć, a kiedy indziej takie, które celowo miały go zdziwić, czy też wprawić w osłupienie. Tak naprawdę to wszystko było gówno warte. Nie widziałem jakiegokolwiek związku między tymi wszystkim rzeczami, o które mnie pytał, a ćpaniem, chociaż. Dowiedziałem się o sobie paru ciekawych rzeczy.

-------------------------------------

Mialem zamiar przetlumaczyc caly rozdzial, ale - jak to u mnie tradycyjnie bywa - poswiecilem na niego az cala godzine, a potem znalazlem sobie ciekawsze rzeczy do roboty. W rezultacie, po rownym miesiacu albo nawet dwoch (by podkreslic dramaturgie sytuacji), gdy odnalazlem to tlumaczenie w stanie gnilnego rozpadku, zdecydowalem sie go tu przekleic. Oczywiscie, fragment pochodzi z Welshowskiego "Trainspottingu", ktory diablo polecam!

..a jak Ty podchodzisz do swojego partnera?

..

2006-12-28T00:30:00.000+01:00

..I think I feel lost, like if everything in my vicinity was void, empty, shallow and hollow..

..I wish I knew why..

I wish I understood a lot of things I am actually never going to find out answers for.

"A toy soldier"

2006-12-26T20:26:00.000+01:00

"A toy soldier" / Czerski / "Ciche dni" by Towary Zastępcze
Translation by: me =]

--

Old, shabby, and of hollow outlook,
Of a hand too wooden to write
everything a willowy tongue shall say,
everything a feverish head shall ever think of.

Spending the Spring at porch, puffing his pipe,
The same person they used to write about in the papers,
The leaden soldier - a firm hero
of reckless doll shelf battles.

Battle dust used to fall on the carpet fields,
while the broken divisions withered at the attic.
Days spent in wrong taverns, nights under the stars,
Those were the days - and was he as well.

Loved by the Gypsies, who never wished to foretell him.
Nuns used to whisper he had wonderful eyes.
Gypsies are dead now, nuns went dry,
faded is everything that used to linger in his eyes.

That's how his Summer passed, amidst the dust of the past,
with his head bent forward more and more with each passing day,
on Autumn he yellowed much, on Winter he faded.

And the solemn Spring came when he finally fell.

--

Stary, starty i starczo zapadnięty w sobie,
z dłonią nazbyt już sztywną ażeby zapisać
wszystko to, co wypowie język nadal giętki,
wszystko to, co pomyśli rozpalona głowa.

Lato spędza na ganku, pykając z fajeczki,
ten sam, o którym kiedyś pisano w gazetach:
ołowiany żołnierzyk – niezłomny bohater
brawurowych ataków na półkę z lalkami.

Bitewny pył opadał na pola dywanów,
gdy rozbite dywizje marniały na strychu.
Dnie spędzał w złych gospodach, noce pod gwiazdami,
Piękne to były czasy – a i on był piękny.

Lubiły go Cyganki, lecz nie chciały wróżyć,
zakonnice szeptały, że ma cudne oczy.
Cyganki już pomarły, zakonnice zeschły,
w jego oczach wyblakło co było tam kiedyś.

Tak spędził lato, wśród kurzu przeszłości,
z każdym dniem niżej pochylając głowę,
jesienią mocno pożółkł, przez zimę wypłowiał,

aż przyszła wielka wiosna i na wiośnie poległ.

--

You can hear the whole thing here. Give it a try, it's absolutely worth it!

Buy one, get another one for free!

2006-12-25T23:27:00.000+01:00

Each year I wonder if this time's Christmas will be more to Christmas than x(-)mas(s).

Each year I watch people worship their God at that very time, praying for their families'/soulmates'/lovers' lives to be just a little, just a tiny bit better than the passing year. It doesn't seem to matter they have just landed on the "top 10 most expected behaviour at this time of the year" wave and will have taken off in about a month, it's what savoir-vivre forces you to behave like during the holidays. It really doesn't matter whether you actually consider yourself as a religious person or not. Be a well designed gear of the machine, do not step out of the line. Pray, be saved and get laid with a fucking hooker, with a wide smile on your face.

Every month I hear people talking about how their relatives cheat on their wives. I turn on the telly, I see murders, blood splattered on the corners of the Iraqi streets, religions marching towards world domination. (There are no winners in world wars - everybody loses, as human life, once lost, is unretrievable. Was it Stalin, who said, that one death was a tragedy, millions were only statistics?). It's a basic economical rule, that your product is always better than the one made by other company - it's just a matter of how much money you pump into the ads to turn people onto your side. But this time, it's not the money that converts people - it's the news and tragedies that, as the time passes, we start to no longer care about.

Resistance is futile, the global warming is coming and people need to adjust their tempers to the changing climate.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that suicide is the only way of escaping from this fierce world.

..Catchy, catchy..

2006-12-06T06:43:00.000+01:00

*Take this ray of light*
*Feel the moon and hold it tight*
*Calm the wind, you might*
*control the sea*
*If you save my life*
*We will rise and shine so bright,*
*That the stars go blind*
*And leave..*
*..leave the sky!*

Seabound - Castaway

---
Whoops! :)

..Optimistische Sache.. :)

2006-12-05T06:13:00.000+01:00

There are various things that can pass you by without you even knowing about it. Would you be able to differ day from night without eyesight? Feel the warmth of other person without even touching her? Nah, but still up to now I had used to believe, that there is nothing like love frm the first sight. I considered it an emotional game where two people play their ritual [sometimes ending up with success, other times with failures] and assume: oh well, what do i have to lose anyway?

By the end of the last week I have been made understood, that I was terrifyingly wrong.

And you know what? The world looks wonderful again :) I'm so happy that I actually turned out to be able to trust somebody so deeply I'd never event suspect myself of.

And the world goes on and on. I'm starting to understand my mistakes from the past.

..just a light thought..

2006-11-27T22:30:00.000+01:00

..the only reason love exists for is better orgasms..

What is Ethereal?

2006-11-20T23:46:00.000+01:00

I have to admit something - I'm a person who always has to do something with his free time. I find it impossible to sit in one place for a longer time without doing anything constructive; sooner or later I get these terrible pangs of conscience and simply have to find something to do. Probably owing to this, I've made an animation in cooperation with a friend of mine, which was shown on one of the Polish demoscene parties this year and turned out to be ranked as first in the wild compo entry competition. You can watch the whole thing below - but keep in mind it's Polish. Oh, and it does contain f-words as well :)

The whole thing devoured quite a lot of time to be finished - I was out of touch for around 2 months. What's really important is that during the production we came to conclusion that nobody has written a satisfying freeware video editor for Windows. Okay, to be honest: there's no free video editor for Windows at all - excluding Microsoft's Windows Movie Maker, but it was way too much simple for us and it didn't fulfill our requirements.

Being a programmer is a Chuck Norris piece of shit. It usually means that if you ever lack software of whatever kind, you desperately start thinking about writing a piece of it on your own. That really sucks, especially if you step on something as huge and complex as editor of any kind. It's even worse than falling into a dog crap.

You can usually forget about the latter in a day or two.

The worse thing is yet to come though. I'm also a member of the demoscene - in just a few words, it's a society of artists who use their computers to create real-time multimedia presentations. Meaning that some of them are graphicians, some are musicians, designers , and so on. Due to that, I decided to make my task a little bit more tougher and started to code an engine which would later on serve as a basis for both video editing purposes and real-time presentations.

It could be a really useful piece of software. You could get rid of Powerpoint and use Ethereal [because that's how I called the project] in order to prepare some presentation with animated 2D/3D parts and music playing in the background. You could create an animated valentine card and claim it's of your own. You could cut all of your videos, arrange them in some order, prepare a montage of them and render them to an avi file, which you'd be able to post on youtube later on. The possibilities are actually endless.

Still, this is really a huge thing, and as you might have already guessed, I have nothing to show you at the moment. There are some basic things working, like mesh instancing, depth texture rendering, render-to-texture feature or shaders support, but these are so low-level features, that they'll probably be invisible to an end-user. Nevertheless, I hope I'll manage to finish this project some day. It's going to kick some major butts, and you're probably going to hear about it some time in the future.. assuming I'm not going to commit a suicide because of the Ethereal complexity.

..some notes from the scrapbook..

2006-11-19T22:56:00.000+01:00

Not so long ago I was sitting on the window sill, looking out the windows of the department I currently study at. Nothing worth mentioning, you might say, and that would so goddamn true ..but the first thing you perceive the moment you start staring are the high-rises, actually quite a lot of them. Full of people, I suppose.. or maybe they're just ghosts?

Math department is not the best place for looking out for life-time friends, maybe due to the fact people here tend to be quite unsocial and unfriendly, or they usually stick together in small groups. Anyway, the world suddenly changes, as if you'd have done a couple of swings with your magical wand, if you leave the building and head over to the dormitory. Out of the blue there emerges a new dimension, lavishing with friendship, fun and love flowing around in the air. Whenever you leave your room, be it 2AM, 2PM, or whatever, you can hear some people chattering, laughing, you always have this odd feeling, that there's someone you can talk to if you feel low. Or is it just my imagination speaking? That could be the case, as I've never had the chance to live in a dormitory - it so happened, that I was born in the city and didn't have to move to another town.

Furthermore, let's assume you live in a high-rise. Well, theoretically it's like there are people surrounding you as well, you're just separated from them by walls. If you stick your ears onto those, you could even hear someone snoring.

Why is it so different then? Do people get more and more untrusting with each passing year?

Oh well, I think it's just my loneliness [or envy?] speaking. Sometimes you feel so lonely, even though you're surrounded by other people.

Someone here needs a hug ?

I promised to post some details on what I've been working on lately, but I'm not really in the mood. Please, don't kill me ;-)

..slowly..

2006-11-15T23:15:00.000+01:00

..immersing myself into development work again. I'm planning to post some details on what I'm currently digging into on weekend, so stay tuned.

Well, whatever. :)

..burnt out..

2006-11-12T23:55:00.000+01:00

An old photo I took a long, long time ago.

Turns out to be quite up-to-date, actually.

Ever felt the same way?

[the message on the board indicates: super offer!]

2006-10-29T23:13:00.000+01:00

I wonder if you ever find yourself surprised that people around you actually have their own lives, their own problems which sometimes resemble those of your own .

Today, browsing through one of the very few blogs I regularly visit every weekend, I stopped for a moment when I saw this postcard. The service I'm talking about is directed to people who want to share their secrets, feelings or tragedies with somebody, yet they can't find anyone around them who would even care to listen. So they create the postcards on their own, cutting photos from the newspapers or the magazines, printing or writing their secrets on the piece of paper, and send them to a post secret mailbox, which are later on published on the website.
The postcard you can probably see on the right (assuming Blogger has not decided to kick it out for some odd reason) reminded me of my ex-girlfriend, with whom I had been with for quite a long time. She also used to love one of my cats, which happens to be mostly black. We also agreed some time ago that it would be better if we stopped talking with each other, since it brings back memories and turns out to be quite painful. For me, for instance. Probably for her too - I never believed her words, when she said she'd managed to cope with the past. Or maybe it's just a jealousy of mine?

Defence mechanism ?

I really understand the chances of her writing & sending that postcard are low, if not to say harshly: none, since -as far as i know - she's quite happy with how the things turned out for her to be - but still..

Well, it's probably obvious that it turned out to be quite difficult for me to deal with the past, to close, lock it and never look back. Now I'm not going to describe my whole relationship with all the funky details, because that's not my aim and - besides - I don't want any of you to fall asleep in front of your computers. Suffice it to say that since the time we've split up [i guess it'll have been two years by now?], I've never met anyone who would mean to me as much as she had used to. That's probably the reason I got so engaged in all the projects & trainings - they keep me away from thinking. And it works quite well, as I'm usually back home at 8-9PM, leaving the house at 7AM.

(But is that any solution?)

And that's the part when the second postcard comes in:

..the funny thing is, she may actually be reading this entry now..

..smile, you're in a candid camera..

2006-10-26T19:43:00.000+02:00

One of the most difficult questions you ran on throughout your whole life is when somebody asks you to describe yourself in a few words. I tend to view people as open, neverending books with new chapters added every single day - the Stephen-King-online model; you never know how they are going to behave in a situation you've never encountered them in, and it's obligatory to understand that even people close to you might surprise you in the most unexpected moment. In other words, it's quite confident of you to pretend you know somebody well. Though it could be a subject of discussion, but nevertheless, you probably understand now how awkward I must be feeling to write something, which could be considered as hey-its-my-new-awesome-blog-I-rock-well-hope-i-ll-see-you-again-cheers. Not to mention the fact I rarely speak of myself.

But all right, let's give it a shot.

As for today, I'm an IT & Math student of the Lodz University Math Department, who feels quite lonely in the insensible crowd of people whose world starts and ends either in the IT Matrix or in the hey-guys-i-got-totally-stoned-yesterday-and-shagged-twenty-girls-want-
my-autograph?. Oh, sorry! it's kissed there, not shagged. No offence for the kindergarten.

Yeah, you've probably guessed it by now, I'm quite a romantic type of the guy, somewhat 70/80-ish. This is probably one of the major reasons I don't really like the direction modern world is heading towards. It's not really about the war in Iraq, as I can actually see pros and cons for the Bush's decision, and can somewhat understand his point of view. Nor pr0n, violence in the movies, and so on. What I really resent the world for is the way people nowadays treat each other, or - should I rather say - disrespect. I don't really know how it used to be 100 or 200 years ago, and I certainly understand that every generation tends to complain about how the times have changed and how much they wished it would be like in these good ol' days. Everything is subjective. Still, what I really miss in people is honesty, honour and understanding what friendship is really all about. Up to now, I found these in people I could count on the fingers of one hand.

Sad. Or maybe it's just me, I really find it difficult to trust someone. It takes time.

Sometimes a lot of it.

Anyway, what I'm going to write about, is not only about the way I perceive the world, people and events taking place around me, though I'm not going to conceal that it's the main reason that drove me to creating this blog. I'm also a programmer myself [generally interested in the area of the modern 3D graphics, but compression algorithms also absorb me] so I'm planning to publish some posts about my current work from time to time.

Basically, I'm not planning to scare you off with some major geek stuff - I'll leave it to people who drain satisfaction from such behaviour, as there's nothing else they are able to do than that. What I really like to do is to introduce complex problems to an average John and see him understand, what I'm really talking about.

Hope you'll take a peek at this blog from time to time :) Cheers!